Already, the sky has turned. Blue gray canvas. Even the trees appear darker, thicker, a bit menacing. This is February, the uncertain season.
I was born into uncertainty, carrying a certain sadness. Everyone has something — freckles, large ears, a slump — that thing they can’t shake.
No more choking on tears, no more choking back, folding in half. No more sorrys, no more loss. I don't want to count the weeks that turn to months. No anniversaries. No more landmarks of what is now history, the past.
We will hold it in and read and sleep and eat too much and drink just enough to soften and blur, and wake too tired to carry on. We will keep calm. We will wear clothes that button and shoes that pinch, feel wounded by those who don't ask how we are and tender toward those who do.
We will stop counting, and stop looking for photos because we have searched and found just two, and only one in focus, and we will cry because we didn't love you enough to take more.
And now I’m doing just what everyone says: remember the good times. The mind races, as you undoubtedly know, trying to make sense, make good, make better.
I'm partial to sun, blue sky, summer. But yesterday I shoveled snow and felt a sort of vigor, a thankfulness that I was able to lift and twist, that I could breathe in and full. I felt the heft of weather as something other than burden.
Don't fall in love with your sadness, holding brokenness like a baby cradled.
And yet, how to live authentic, real, full. How to feel without making a scene?
There is, of course, a beauty in sadness. Uncertainty turned inside out. A clarity through tears.
At the nursing home, a small voice is asking questions I can’t answer: How long will I be here? What happens next?
Her eyes plead, lost and scared. I soothe with small talk, small words, soft voice. I make hot chocolate and hold her hand. I don’t know, I am saying without saying. I don’t know, I don’t know.
It's Thankful Thursday, a weekly pause to express appreciation for people, places, things and more. When we see, we see more. When we express, we feel. When we feel, we see more. When we see, we are thankful.
What are you thankful for today?